Am I Passive Aggressive? Or just a Slimy Baboon?

Column

The Internet is a weird place. It has allowed people a kind of freedom, a place to express themselves in ways that were never possible before.

On the other hand, its (perceived) anonymity is often used as an excuse to attack every person who has a different opinion.

One of the weapons used is (claiming someone is being) Passive Aggressive. But what does that actually mean? That I'm a baboon?

Trigger

So, let's start with the trigger to this column. I ran into a user on a writing related Discord channel. For those who have never tried it: writing is much harder than it seems (and I pretty much suck at it, in spite of continuing efforts).

One of the things aspiring authors need to keep in mind is that financially, writing may not be your best ticket to money and fame. In fact, most people are better of flipping burgers. That's a harsh thing to say, but it's what I honestly believe. Don't count on making money when writing. Count on not making money, and then - if you're extremely good and lucky - you might break even. Or you might be the next Stephen King or Brandon Sanderson. THere's nothing wrong with a dream, a challenge, and a goal. If you believe in it, then go for it!

Just don't give up on your day job until you've made it!

This particular poster (let's call him mister A, for anonymity) basically stated that all that mattered was luck. One could write the greatest drivel, and pure luck (and only luck) would make you popular and help you sell your work. No plot. No grammar. No spelling. No character development nor worldbuilding. No marketing or sales tactics. Just luck.

(To me, it sounds almost like a blatant excuse, a peculiar blend of defeatism and jealousy. I am not successful because I don't have enough luck.)

Mister A then used Twilight as an example of something that was only successful because of luck. He's probably not into vampire romances, I guess 😏

I beg to disagree. Well, perhaps I would agree on Twilight, but I disagree on the luck bit. Luck plays a major role, no doubt about that. But it isn't the only discriminator. I tried to explain why, and during the chat I disclosed some of the reasons why I believe so. One of those is my private situation. I'm old -- compared to the majority on Discord -- I'm a single dad of two kids -- of which one is autistic. I had / have a decent job, and make decent money. I think I'm intelligent, though not very tactical. I do what I believe in, and I believe in the things I do. I'm also completely politically incorrect, impatient, and male. (There, a whole bunch of attack vectors for those reading this. Passive Aggressive, right?)

Mister A continued by calling me old (true), older than the gravel I walked on (not true), slimy (definitely not true), called the other participants on that server 'dick swallowing friends'. He also called me 'Passive Aggressive'.

That made me wonder. Am I 'Passive Aggressive', or was mister A just looking for buttons to push?

(This is after an exchange of messages, in which my levels of annoyance were reaching Mount Everest heights.)

Me: (trying to be polite, which I never find easy)

I'm sorry, A, but you and I have a different opinion, and we both might be wrong. I dunno. I'm probably a lot older than you, single dad with kids, mortgage, bills to pay, and I'm definitely not a successful writer. Based on what I've seen in my life thus far it's true: some people have more luck than others, and sometimes, the world appears to be kinda' unfair.

I pretty much NEVER have luck. No bad luck either, but not any good luck as well. I just always have to give it my 100%, and hope that a little luck will push my work over the threshold. I believe results come with hard work. Yes, luck will help -- and it might be essential -- but without the 'hard work' part success won't come to the majority of people. Hiding behind (the lack of) luck is, IMHO, a poor argument. It's a bit of defeatism and jealousy, all thrown into one. It's definitely not the way I approach life.

So, there you have it. I you want to discuss writing, then that's fine. If you want to discuss luck, we face an essential different approach to life, and discussing it won't take us anywhere. 

Mister A:

Here's the thing right, we may have different opinions but you want to know what i hate. I hate slimy baboons that think just because they're older than someone, they have any more weight than someone younger than them. Let me tell you something, i don't have kids, i have a mortgage and bills to pay at an age where most of my peers are starving and drowning in debt. Based on what I've seen in my life, what other people have shared with me, what i have seen and done. I can smell bullshit from a mile a way.

Let me make this one thing clear to you, so you don't try to use your age as any point in any argument ever. Read my words carefully and if you want, i can hop into vc and read them to you like a bed time story. I can break them down so your decaying brain can comprehend them. I am not hiding behind the idea of luck, i am not saying that luck is the end all be all. Just like i have said before and just like i will say again, luck is and has been a foundation for someone to build upon. Your very existence, your ability to live on this planet has been down to luck your entire life.

How you were born, what race you are, the fact this planet hasn't been struck by a falling rock like all those billions of years ago has been down to sheer chance. There is no jealousy in this statement because there is nothing to be jealous of, I'm speaking from fact. Increasing your chances is increasing probability, increasing probability is increasing luck. That is base, the floor, the very soil that these type of chances and opportunities grow from. You can have everything be at its worst and it can still find a way to become more popular than soap and water.

Is it satisfactory, depends on who you ask but this is just how things go. Having very bad everything can lower your chances but they never make them impossible and we have too many examples to prove that.

Now if you want me to break this down for you carefully, step inside

Mister A - at some point later in time - derided the owner of the server purely on the owners name. Then he continued suggesting the owner was sympathic to (or perhaps himself) a high school shooter, because the owner was German. They instigated the second world war, had a lot of weapons, and so the owner had to be a Nazi. And 'befehl ist befehl', right? (I'm not sure about the logic behind that sequence, but okay.)

Oh, I admit Mister A phrased it very well, with little hints, the incidental outright insult, and an undertone of endless anger and self entitlement.

Now here's what I think: I think we're dealing with a disappointed, younger writer, who believes his / her story to be great, and who is disgruntled by the very low number of reads of his story on Wattpad.

I'm blunt and harsh, but -- and I hate to admit this -- I've suffered that thought myself more than once. But I'm honest enough to admit it might be my own fault entirely. What I defintely won't do is blame it on stupid readers and a lack of luck.

Luck

I couldn't help but think of A as a person who has an issue, someone who has a bone with the world. Someone who believes he / she has no luck, and that's why his / her story isn't popular.

(It's a very common theme online. People always complain why their story isn't finding its readers, and there are reasons, most of the time. There's luck, but in many (most) cases its the story and the writing, sorry.)

So, luck... I agree. Luck does play a major role. (Money also helps 😇 but even that won't turn a mediocre story into a best selling novel.) Luck is more important. It is, and there is some stuff released that can't be explained otherwise. But luck isn't all there is. 

Personally, I believe that some people are more lucky than others, but that without any effort luck won't matter. If you never try you never succeed. That doesn't mean you have to waste your energy, no! Use it wherever and whenever it works best. And there's nothing wrong by trying to accomplish the impossible.

The world is unfair. Yes. Some or more lucky than others. Yes.

I can't deny that, but I just can't accept that it's luck and only luck that matters. Not for everything. Not for everyone. That's simply not the way my brains are wired.

So, what did Mister A write?

I actually had a look at Mister A's story (found it on Wattpad via a link he shared in an earlier post) and these are my observations and my (personal and biased!) opinion:

• the story had a very low number of reads (which doesn't mean such a story is bad by definition, mind you, but it's a good indication of popularity)
• grammar was correct (but I'm not a native speaker myself, so I will miss things)
• the text formatting was non-standard (making dialogue very confusing -- there are rules for this, people!)
• some weird use of dialogue tags and action beats
• a very repetitive, passive style of writing (a bit like: this happened, and then this, and then this, and then this happened, and so on)
• people SCREAMING (must we really use CAPS in a regular book? I know it's a matter of taste, but personally I don't like them)
• a few logic failures / plotholes in the parts of the story I sampled
• nothing happens in the first few chapters
• somewhat boring (though that's even more personal than anything else)
• it's a bit of a self-insert

Would I read it? Honestely? No. Even luck can't make hsi work a great, spellbinding story. Sorry.

So, what did Mister A say?

Now, with all of that out of the way, let's have a look at the argument itself... All text below in italics is verbatim from Mister A's post.

Here's the thing right, we may have different opinions but you want to know what i hate. I hate slimy baboons that think just because they're older than someone, they have any more weight than someone younger than them.

A slimy baboon... Very polite and constructive.

As for weight: he must have seen my scales 😢😂

Anyway, I might have rephrased my part better, but life shapes us. We all see things, and the older you get, the more you're seen. That doesn't imply older people are more right -- hell, no! What I wanted to explain is that my background is different, and that my experience differences from his.

I should have phrased that better. Anyway, let's read on...

Let me tell you something, i don't have kids, i have a mortgage and bills to pay at an age where most of my peers are starving and drowning in debt. Based on what I've seen in my life, what other people have shared with me, what i have seen and done. I can smell bullshit from a mile a way.

Let me make this one thing clear to you, so you don't try to use your age as any point in any argument ever.

Sigh. I re-read my post, and I don't think I was using it as an argument. Apparently, one can't mention how old one is, but it's fine to think of everyone older as decrepit, useless, oxygen-wasting fossils.

Read my words carefully and if you want, i can hop into vc and read them to you like a bed time story.

Oops, another nice little insult.

I can break them down so your decaying brain can comprehend them.

And another one. But with all the insults out of the way we'll now get to the point, right?

I am not hiding behind the idea of luck, i am not saying that luck is the end all be all.

He did so -- repeatedly -- in earlier posts, but nevermind. First thing he does is explaining that 'my very existence' is down to luck. But... wait. He just said luck wasn't the all-be-all?

Just like i have said before and just like i will say again, luck is and has been a foundation for someone to build upon. Your very existence, your ability to live on this planet has been down to luck your entire life.

Right. So luck IS the all-be-all. Great to have that clarified! I was getting confused... 

How you were born, what race you are, the fact this planet hasn't been struck by a falling rock like all those billions of years ago has been down to sheer chance. There is no jealousy in this statement because there is nothing to be jealous of, I'm speaking from fact.

I must have touched a nerve there. And his facts are, obviously, based on omnipotence, omiscience, pure and total facts. Not opinion. No loopholes being human and making mistakes. Absolute absoluteness of godlike levels. That way, one is always right, and this will not leave any openings for someone else's opinion. Facts are facts, right? The scary part of such an approach to life is that there is no room for discussion. No space to admit one was wrong.

Increasing your chances is increasing probability, increasing probability is increasing luck.

That is complete and utter nonsense. Let me read that again... Nope. It still makes no sense.

If probability is the chance of something happening -- like becoming a succesful author -- then you could simplify it into a formula, like this:

Chance to succeed = effort + experience + talent + marketing + whatever + luck

In other words, increasing the probability of success is done by increasing every element of that formula. Put some effort in it. Learn from earlier mistakes. Use your talents, and so on. You CANNOT increase LUCK.

Luck simply has nothing to do with probability itself.

The whole essence of Mister A's position / opinion / point of view is that luck defines probability, and I don't think so. You see, if luck is the only factor in our lives then it doesn't matter at all what we do. Some other bastard will be more lucky and thus more successful. And yes, that might happen if we let it happen.

I understand his point. The color of your skin is luck (well, genetics, but okay). In what country you are born is luck (it's your parents who triggered that event). Having wealthy parents depends on luck. From that perspective everything is luck. If that's your opinion then one could rewrite my stupid formula like:

Chance to succeed = past luck + effort + experience + talent + marketing + whatever + luck

So yes. I see the point. Luck is a major player, but again: it's one of the elements. You can't control past luck. Instead you simply have to deal with the situation you were dealt with, and which may lower your chance to succeed. Neither of us can change that. We can't change our future luck either. But what we can do to increase the chance to succeed is manipulating the other elements, so that when that opportunity passes by we need LESS luck to succeed.

How about that? It means success isn't just blind luck...

I'm not sure what Mister A tries to say with the next bit:

That is base, the floor, the very soil that these type of chances and opportunities grow from. You can have everything be at its worst and it can still find a way to become more popular than soap and water.

Is it satisfactory, depends on who you ask but this is just how things go.

He clearly knows everything, this guy... 

Having very bad everything can lower your chances but they never make them impossible and we have too many examples to prove that.

I'm not sure about this bit either. Is he trying to say that, due to luck, sometimes people still succeed in spite of horrendous bad probabilities? Yes, that happens. I agree! A random factor in the chaos of the universe!

But that's not the point I was trying to make. I was trying to explain that -- in my opinion -- one can increase his / her chances by working on all aspects that are not depending on luck, perhaps even reaching a stage where luck plays such a minor role it won't affect the outcome. I'm trying to tell him that luck isn't the ONLY factor, and sometimes not even the biggest one.

Now if you want me to break this down for you carefully, step inside

To be abused just a little bit more? No, thank you. At this point I had enough.

I was repeatedly insulted, and so were other participants in the channel (dick suckers, Nazis, in need of medication, etc.). In the end I gave up, and told him plainly I saw no use for further discussion. And being a mod, I simply banned him. An unfair advantage, but dick suckers and nazis... no. There are limits.

But... one of his remarks had me thinking.

Passive Agressive

'Passive Agressive' behavior is bad, don't get me wrong. Google for it, and read multiple articles as not everyone uses the same definition. It's a serious issue, though it can easily be overcome by honesty, clarity and open communication. Unfortunately the solution is often perceived as blunt and uncaring. Then there are avoidance and irony which may be misunderstood.

Google for it.

Passive Agressive behavior can be intentional and deliberate, trying to hurt people. It can be non-aware, because the actor is a rotten apple and can't hide the fact. It can be perceived when the speaker tries to avoid further conflict by using neutral terms.

Whatever the cause, you don't want Passive Agressive behavior.

(But let's be fair: some people are a little touchy, or use the term as yet another attack vector to abuse each and every person with a slightly different opinion. In this modern age, we seem to be guilty until proven innocent.)

Me

Unfortunately, it's very easy to skip the debate and ignore the possibility of good intentions, and immeadiately accuse someone of being Passive Agressive. It's an accusation that is very hard to defend against. On top of that, what some see as Passive Agressive behavior, others (with good intent) see as being polite, or even funny. I'm just stupid, and I don't know, so I googled.

I googled and I binged, and visited quite a few pages and read many an article, before analyzing my own posts up to and including the messages above. Obviously, I could have picked my words better, but even in hindsight I believe I stayed (mostly) neutral. (I apologize for a little Gen-Z dig, although it may have been spot-on.)

Was I Passive Agressive? If so it wasn't deliberate, but honestly I fail to see where that tag comes from. (Drop me a line in the comments below. Help me learn.)

If my words were Passive Agressive, then let it be known from now on that I am the most Passive Agressive person on this planet, and that I will no longer try to understand other people. Especially those people who are in desperate need of some callusses on their souls.

Why would I?

I'm a slimy baboon anyway.